Well, it’s been a couple of years since my MS diagnosis.
In typical fashion, I tried to control my surface reaction to this news – but also my internal one.
Positive thinking! How often do we hear that as the cure for all ills? So, determined not to be taken down, I bit the bullet and enrolled in a serious meditation course.
I REALLY tried!
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We were each given a mantra - but saying this out loud ensured a long and painful existence. I went into this, planning to play by the rules – but emptying a mind if difficult when it’s so crammed with stuff like ‘these are a really cool bunch of people who are younger than me (obviously)‘ and ‘I’d love to get into the bar... surely every mediation site must have one’.
I wanted to get into the minds of these people around me to find out what makes them tick.
I then had to face - while in a deep trance-like state obvs - that standing up at the end of the session and wandering off smiling was not going to happen for me!
I was the one (irrespective of the cool Veja trainers) that would have to scramble around to stand up so inelegantly; or even worse - accept the assistance of the beautiful chap next to me, who had clearly, through his deep meditation, found a way to solve Brexit and wasn’t going to share it with the slightly deaf old bird on his right with the winning smile that she hoped would entice him to help her to the loo!
Annoying and unbelievably difficult to deal with: this MS has been my greatest trial.
There’s only so long one can be in denial. Only so long we can pretend we’re just not the same as we’ve always been. I’m not. It breaks my heart to admit that.
After a lifetime of… not exactly wanting to be like the young, but certainly associating with them has been a joy, and having to accept things are difficult. Who wants to admit the truth when trying so hard to conceal it seems to actually be working?
'Can you imagine going to the fridge and pulling out a bottle of fizz to find you can’t open it?'
But only for a short time.
Accepting the future often sucks. Who lies down and says ‘okay this is me. Only decaffeinated drinks from now on, and while you’re here, can you please empty the cat tray and put the rubbish out?’
None of us! This is what joins us like a league of brothers!
We can’t fight this annoying ‘situation’ but we can remain as mentally vibrant. Okay - the brain fog is a pain, but in every other way, we are the same.
SO - today is the day I come out and begin talking honestly about life (mainly mine!) I’m not assuming for one moment you’re going to be interested, but, if you are hanging on in there, thank you.
Can you imagine after a lifetime of going to the fridge on a Sunday, pulling out a bottle of fizz when you simply can’t face another coffee, to find - one week on - you can’t open the bottle! Weak hands - suddenly!
For anyone who’s going to tell me this is a first-world problem - I get it. Also though for all those people out there struggling with their own stuff - I get it too.
Maybe I’m just trying to open up and be honest and TRY to take some of the stigmas out of situations that many of us find ourselves in - through honesty, a sense of humour and an acceptance that this is the situation. Let’s deal with it as best we can.
ALSO to the wonderful person who foresaw my champagne opening bottle problem and sent me the wonderful gadget that does it for you - I will love you forward!